A Hobbit's Tale: The Adventures of Miss Belladonna Baggins
by IzzyBoleyn
Summary: A surprise visit from an old family friend finally gives Belladonna an excuse to leave her comfortable, hobbit-y life in the Shire. So begins the quest to help a throneless king reclaim his homeland. Some OOC & Female Bilbo. Rated for sparse coarse language & non graphic violence.
1. Preface

Chapter 1: Preface

The day Gandalf paid Miss Belladonna Baggins of the Shire a visit was a day like any other. She was tending to her garden, like any respectable Baggins, pulling up errant weeds and making sure her prize winning tomatoes were in tip-top shape.

She looked up just as an enormous shadow overtook her lovely flower bed and came face to, well, not face to face, but more like face to knee with her mother's very dear old friend, Gandalf.

"Good morning" she said happily whilst craning her neck to catch sight of the wizard before her.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf inquired

"What do you mean, 'what do you mean'? How many different meanings can one take from a simple good morning?" Bella asked baffled.

He simply looked amused so she continued. "As I was saying, good morning Mister Gandalf, what can I do for you on this fine morning?"

"Ah so you do remember me!" Gandalf said with a look of mild surprise on his face

"But of course!" Bella exclaimed, "Mother spoke of you fondly and quite often. Father was under the assumption that she would have much preferred to be off traversing faraway lands with you than stuck here in the Shire."

Gandalf simply laughed.

"Oh how rude of me! Please do come inside, it is almost time for tea and I'm sure you're weary from all your traveling." Bella said, the Baggins side of her horrified for forgetting her manners.

"No time, no time at all my dear Belladonna." he sighed.

"Then what can I do for you today Mister Gandalf? And do please call me Bella; Belladonna will always be my mother, a name that I've not yet lived up to." Bella asked quietly.

"In that case, you might just get the chance!" Gandalf exclaimed, "I am looking for someone in which to share in an adventure. Perhaps you may be the hobbit to undertake this challenge?"

'An adventure! It's been so very long since I've even entertained the thought of leaving the Shire.' she thought.

"I am very interested Gandalf, but I would very much like to know more about this adventure before I agree to anything, if you don't mind." Bella said with certainty. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to come in? Perhaps to discuss this venture in more detail?"

"That is very wise, your mother would be proud of your thoroughness. I should like to stay Miss Baggins but I must alert the others; we shall all be around for dinner this evening. Good day Bella." He said pleasantly and then he was gone.

'Oh dear, I've got so much to do' she thought to herself frantically.

Bella quickly ran towards the market after making herself presentable first of course, to purchase a feast fit for a king. She must have startled many a hobbit with the way she ran from vendor to vendor purchasing the finest cuts of meat and freshest greens that weren't already available in her own garden.

She didn't know who Gandalf's companions were or even how many would be arriving at her smial that evening, but she would make sure her guests wanted for nothing.


	2. An Adventure

Chapter 2: An Adventure?

She had toiled away for hours, determined to put forth a meal that would do her guests and her hobbit hospitality proud.

After everything was prepared and the pies and cakes were set on the counter to cool, Bella quickly went to her quarters and made herself presentable for Gandalf and his companions; people who could quite possibly become her own future traveling companions.

'Best to make a good first impression' she thought to herself.

Just as Bella finished brushing the tops of her furry feet, a knock sounded at the door. She hurried to open it and found a dwarf, a dwarf bent at the waist that said, "Dwalin, at your service."

"B-Bella Baggins at yours." she stuttered.

"Are you one of Gandalf's companions?" she asked hesitantly.

At his nod she quickly said, "Then do please come in! Dinner is already prepared and is right down the hall; let me take your cloak if you will. Do you know when the others will be arriving?"

"Thank you Mistress Baggins. The others should be arriving shortly" he replied easily

"Good, I'd hate for the meal to go cold, and do please call me Bella, Master Dwarf."

"Only if you call me Dwalin, Miss Bella." He said politely.

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get that. Do make yourself comfortable and tuck in before it all goes cold!" Bella said with a smile before turning towards her round green door.

She opened the door to reveal another dwarf who said, "Balin, at your service. Am I late lassie?"

"And Bella Baggins at yours. You're not late at all Master Balin, in fact you're only the second to arrive! Master Dwalin is just through there."

Balin and Dwalin greeted each other in a very rough manner and even bashed their heads together, much to Bella's surprise.

"I take it you two know each other?" she asked

"Why yes Mistress Baggins. We may not look it but we are brothers! Balin and Dwalin, sons of Fundin, at your service" the white haired dwarf answered.

Before Bella could respond, there were two simultaneous knocks at the door.

Bella rushed to answer it and encountered another two dwarves. Except these two were remarkably different. These particular dwarves were much slighter in build and obviously much younger than the two brothers currently in her dining room.

"Fili and Kili, at your service." they both said in unison.

"Hello boys, Bella Baggins at yours as well." Bella said sweetly.

They quickly made their way inside. The blond one made swift work of all his weapons, pulling them out of all sorts of places on his person and made a quite large pile on the floor near the door. The younger of the two, Bella could only assume he was younger since his beard was not yet as full as the others', chuckled.

"Oh Misses Boggins, you're hilarious! My brother and I are not boys! We're fierce dwarrow warriors come to help reclaim our homeland!" the one who identified himself as Kili said exuberantly while scraping the mud off his boots on her mother's glory box.

Bella tried not to cringe. "Could you please not do that? That's my mother's glory box and it's very old!"

"Kili!" Fili said with a frown, "Mother would tan your hide if she could see how you were treating our hosts' possessions, Miss Baggins is gonna think we've got no manners!"

"Aye lad, I'm tempted to take you over my knee as it is. You apologize to Miss Bella and you clean that mess up right now." Dwalin said sternly. "And don't you be lying neither. Fierce warrior, ha!"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry Miss Boggins. Our ma usually keeps a box for us to clean our feet on, I guess I just lost my head for a moment. I meant no harm." He said solemnly.

"It's quite alright boys," she teased, "no harm, no foul. Just clean your mess and then go fill your bellies.

Both boys reminded her of her young, mischievous Took cousins and she realized all Kili was lacking were a bit of Hobbitish manners and maybe some tact.

The bell rang once again. 'Oh dear, I wonder just how many we're expecting this evening. I do hope I've enough food for everyone.' Bella though fretfully, while once again making her way to her door.

She quickly opened her door and squeaked quite loudly when she found herself on the very bottom of a massive dwarf pile. Above her were the most breathtaking blue eyes she'd ever seen and around her hung a black curtain of hair. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Master Dwarf but if you could please get off of me? You're crushing me."

"Aye Thorin, get yourself off the lass. 'Tis hardly proper." Chastised Balin.

Before she knew it she was being lifted from under this Thorin character and patted down by a concerned Dwalin.

"Are you alright lass? Nothin' broken?" he murmured

"Yes, yes I'm alright. Just a bit ruffled is all." Bella answered quickly

Seeing that everyone was relatively unscathed Gandalf chuckled and said, "Belladonna Baggins, may I present to you the leader of this company, Thorin Oakenshield."

As Bella looked him over and tried to assess any potential threats to her person, he spoke.

"So this is the hobbit."

His voice sent shivers down her spine but also lit a spark of anger. She tried to remain impartial to the dwarf standing before her but the way he said the word 'hobbit' was extraordinarily patronizing; and she was not about to stand there and let herself be insulted on her own front mat.

"Tell me Miss Baggins, have you done much fighting?" he asked.

Bella narrowed her eyes. "Pardon me?"

He ignored her and continued on, "Axe or sword? What is your weapon of choice?"

Bella, being her mother's daughter, had had enough of the condescending dwarf standing before her. "If you must know Master Dwarf I am quite skilled with a short sword, throwing axe, bow, and I am also quite fond of my daggers."

His eyes widened in shock along with all the other dwarrow.

"I will tell you this Thorin Oakenshield there are many a creature who are not alive today who believed a hobbit easily slain." Bella said imperiously.

Thorin scoffed. "She looks more like a nursemaid than a burglar."

Bella's eyes narrowed into slits, "If you intend to leave my smial with all your favored bits," at this her eyes trailed down his body, "in working order Master Oakenshield, I suggest you treat me with the respect I've earned."

She looked to the rest of the dwarves standing dumbfounded in her entryway. "Now come along all of you before the meal I've lain out goes cold." She demanded as she marched back towards her dining room.

Dwalin laughed loudly. "I like her. There's fire in that one and she put you right in your place, she did. Fili, Kili, let's go help the lass finish setting up."

As the rest of the company followed after Dwalin, Gandalf looked towards Thorin.

"Oh Master Oakenshield, hobbit women folk can be especially cruel when given the chance. I suggest you treat the hobbit, the same hobbit that has spared no expense to feed your company, with the respect she deserves," he said with a single raised eyebrow, "so that she feels no need to use her gifts to get revenge for this particular slight."

Dinner was quite the raucous affair, with food flying about and all the new dwarrow attempting to introduce themselves.

Bella took quite the shine to the Ur family with their easy smiles and friendly demeanor and the Ri brothers as well.

As dinner came to an end and after the dwarves sang a silly song whilst cleaning up, the atmosphere in the dining room turned serious.

It was Balin who broke the silence, "What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?"

Thorin looked up from his hands, "Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms."

The dwarves all murmured happily.

Bella sat confused. 'I wish Gandalf had had the decency to explain some of this to me beforehand' she thought to herself.

"What do the dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?" Dwalin asked seriously

Thorin sighed audibly. "They will not come. They say this quest is ours and ours alone."

The disappointment was palpable.

"What kind of quest is this? Who are the dwarves of the Iron Hills?" Bella asked, the conversation completely lost on her.

"Ah Bella my dear, if we could please have a little more light."

"Of course."

"The dwarves of the Iron Hills are our kin Miss Baggins." Balin answered kindly.

Bella brought over another candle.

"Excuse me Master Oakenshield, I'd hate to get candle wax all over that pretty hair of yours."

Dwalin and Gandalf snickered into their beards.

Gandalf pulled a map from his inner pocket and spread it on the table before Thorin and said, "Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak. Do you know what that is Bella?"

"Erebor, The Lonely Mountain, of course. Mother often told me tales of it in my youth." Bella answered, "but last I heard of it there was a dragon inhabiting Erebor."

"Aye lass that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age" the Bofur said with a grimace

"Is this what you intend to do on your quest? To take back the great dwarven kingdom from a fire breathing dragon?" Bella asked in complete shock

"Aye lass. The task would be difficult with an army behind us. But we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest."

Apparently this was not the most polite thing to point out, even amongst dwarrow, because many of them leaped out of their chairs shouting their objections.

The dwarf that Bella recognized as Fili slammed his fist on the dining table and said enthusiastically, "We may be few in number, but we're fighters, all of us, to the last dwarf!"

His younger brother, Kili, piped up as well, adding, "And you forget we have a wizard in our company. Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time!"

Bella almost laughed. The lad looked like a puppy, so enthusiastic and eager to find the silver lining in life. She envied that carefree disposition of his.

Gandalf, on the other hand, looked quite alarmed at Kili's statement, quickly backtracking, "Well now I wouldn't say that exactly."

The dwarf with fanciful braids, who Bella remembered to be Dori, leaned forward in his chair and said quite loudly, "How many dragons have you killed? Go on then, give us a number!"

Immediately following that statement and Gandalf's quiet sputtering, her din groom was filled with eleven very loud and aggressive dwarves.

'This poor old man,' Bella thought amusedly, 'he has them all believing he is some majestic dragon slayer when he really is only a wizard.'

When the noise level did not go down after several minutes Bella stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled loud and clear.

"That is quite enough. You are all grown dwarrow, now act like it!" Bella said with arms crossed and brow furrowed.

She continued on, "If you lot have read these signs, the signs that are driving you back towards your homeland, do you think others are so dim as to not have read them as well? Whether Gandalf can slay this wyrm or not, are you really going to allow it to keep you from your home?"

Thorin looked at her, eyes assessing the small creature that stood before him and his company before nodding in agreement. He looked out amongst his loyal companions, "Rumors have begun to spread. Smaug has not been seen in sixty years; eyes look east to the mountain, assessing, wondering if the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor!"

All the dwarves cheered with their leader and Bella fully understood why. After all she was not part of the company or part of this mad venture, as of yet, but she was feeling pretty inspired herself. Thorin Oakenshield seemed to be the type of person that inspired loyalty.

"You forget the front gate is sealed" Balin said with exasperation coloring his tone.

"That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true" and with a clever twist of his fingers, Gandalf pulled an ancient looking key from out of thin air

Bella looked around and saw all the dwarves gazing at the key with awe. Thorin especially was looking at the key with no small amount of wonder.

"How came you by this?" he asked.

"It was given to me by your father for safekeeping, with the hope that you would be able to accomplish what he wasn't able to." Gandalf replied easily while handing the key over to its' rightful owner.

"If there is a key, then there must be a door" Fili said.

"And in that door there is a lock that fits that key, which means there is another way in!" Kili all but shouted.

"Only if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth and no small amount of courage. But done with upmost care and if we are exceptionally clever, I believe it can be done."

"Oh," said the youngest Ri brother, "that's why we need a burglar!"

"Wait a second! Master Oakenshield made it a point to say that I looked more like a nursemaid than a burglar, so does that mean I am to be this burglar?" Bella asked alarmed. "What are you expecting me to burgle? An entire dwarven kingdom out from under a dragon? I'm always up for a challenge but that sounds utterly ridiculous!"

"Wizard, she is but a wee lass and the wild is not for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." Dwalin said.

"Keep underestimating me and your bits will be hung over my mantle Dwalin." Bella said as she fingered Thorin's dinner knife.

Gandalf glared at Dwalin and at the rest of her naysayers, "If I say Belladonna Baggins is a burglar then a burglar she is! Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet and can pass unseen by most if they so choose. Why when Bella was but a fauntling she snuck my staff away from right under my nose."

"You have asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company and I have chosen this hobbit woman. You must trust me on this Thorin."

"Very well then, we'll do it your way. Give her the contract."

"Now hold on just a moment Master Oakenshield, before there is any reading of a contract, what exactly am I expected to steal?" Bella asked sternly.

"That is none of your concern; you will be informed at the proper time." Thorin answered with a wave of his hand.

Bella's face turned red at his obvious dismissal, "Now you listen here Thorin Oakenshield, you will tell me what it is you are expecting me to do! I don't know who you think you are!"

"I am Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain," Thorin interrupted, "and you will mind how you speak to me Halfling!"

"Halfling?! Well let me bring it to your attention 'O King, you are not under the mountain!" Bella yelled back, "This is my home and I will be treated with the respect I deserve; and since you are bringing lineage into this discussion then I am Belladonna Baggins, daughter of Belladonna Took, daughter of Gerontius Took, granddaughter of the same Halfling who fed the dwarves when you all first settled in Ered Luin. You are looking at the hobbit who still negotiates the treaties with the Blue Mountains to keep you lot fed! You do not scare nor intimidate me Thorin son of Thrain, for I deal with Lady Dis on a monthly basis. I've also much more to lose here so I suggest that it be you who minds their tongue!"

Bella threw one more glare at the stunned dwarven king and turned to address Balin with a sweet smile

"Since your esteemed leader is being a perfect horse's arse, can you please tell me what I shall be stealing Master Balin? I'd be ever so grateful, and after I will gladly read over any contract you provide."

There was a beat of silence before the room exploded in laughter, with Fili and Kili exclaiming, No wonder she doesn't fear Uncle, she's been speaking to mother!"

"Well lass it really depends if Smaug still lives. If he is dead then your services may not be needed but if he still lives, then your priority will be the Arkenstone, just that gem and nothing else."

"Okay, I've no idea what that is but no matter, I'll be informed later,

She turned to Thorin, "See? Was that really so hard you stubborn dwarf? Now may I see this contract?"

"Here you go lass, just read it through and if you have any concerns, let me know." Balin said.

As Bella read the contract the parts that struck her most were the sections that spoke of lacerations, eviscerations, and incineration.

When she voiced her thoughts aloud, it was Bofur who answered.

"Oh aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye. Think furnace with wings. Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash."

Bella simply raised an eyebrow after Bifur punched Bofur on the arm and gestured with his hands. "If you're trying to scare me Bofur it's not going to work. I faced down wolves, orcs, and wargs five times my size when I was but tween. It's going to take more than words to make me flinch."

The company stared at her in bewilderment.

"It's like I said, there are many who are not living today who believed a hobbit easily slain. Well, everything seems to be in order here. Ori, may I borrow your quill?" Bella asked.

She quickly signed her full name in her usual curly script and handed the contract back to Balin, who inspected it rapidly.

"Well lass everything seems to be in order. Welcome to the company of Thorin Oakenshield."

'Oh dear. What have I gotten myself in to?' she thought to herself as the company cheered.


	3. She Needs No Protection

They had been on the road for about two weeks now and Bella was dreadfully uncomfortable. Of course it had been a couple of decades since her last adventure but she doesn't remember it being this much of a nuisance.

The dwarves traveled by pony instead of wagons, they slept in bedrolls instead of tents, and they ate cram and sparse stew instead of gathering the perfectly edible plant life to make their meals a bit heartier.

It was like they were purposely trying to make their, and by extension her, life more difficult than it ought to be. Combined with the fact that the esteemed Master Oakenshield was still shooting her distrustful looks, Fili and Kili kept pulling 'pranks' on her, and Dwalin and Bofur had turned into very protective dwarrow, Bella was feeling especially irritable.

She could deal with Thorin, years of dealing with maddening relatives has made her quite the expert.

The boys, well, they were quite young and she could still laugh at the occasional frog in her bedroll. It was Dwalin and Bofur that were driving her to insanity.

It was a few days after they had left the borders of the shire, after Thorin had gotten them all lost, that they were attacked by a stray group of orcs, only ten in number. Bella had gone to draw her bow when she was pushed against a tree and placed behind her protectors, pushed so roughly in fact that she scraped her arm against the bark, leaving a thin, bloody scratch in its' wake.

Of course after the minor skirmish was taken care of, all them rounded on her and no matter what she said, no matter how huffy she got, no matter how loudly Gandalf laughed, all they could see was blood.

Apparently, that tiny smidgen of blood equated her to a helpless fauntling in their eyes. From that day forth Dwalin and Bofur became her personal bodyguards.

'I swear to Yavanna if one of them tries to accompany me to the loo again, I am going to break their giant dwarven noses,' Bella thought to herself grumpily from atop her horse, 'Thank the Valar that we shall be arriving in Bree in but a few hours.'

Night had just begun to fall when they arrived in Bree, Bella, not wanting to wander about in the darkness due to Thorin's abysmal sense of direction, directed them to The Prancing Pony, her favorite establishment to stay at when her business brought her away from Hobbiton.

They walked into the noisy inn and Bella quickly began to make her way through the crowd, but as she headed towards the inn keeper, she was waylaid by a group of rowdy and fairly drunk Men.

As she walked past them, one of the men grabbed her around the waist, lifted her above his companions and sat her in the middle of three other equally drunk Men.  
>'What a time to get separated from my protectors.' Bella thought irritably. All she wanted was to find a nice warm bed and sleep.<p>

"Hello boys, if you would be ever so kind as to put me back on the ground? I am very tired from my travels and would like to sleep." Bella said as politely as she could, given the circumstances.

"Well if you're so tired lil' miss, why don't you come warm my bed tonight?" one of them said with a leer and a lick of his lips.

"I'd really rather not. Now if you could please move, I can see my companions trying to get my attention."

Bella could see all the dwarrow moving towards the table with a murderous glint in their eye and quickly hopped off the table.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw all four Men converging on her, one of them actually had the audacity to begin groping her!

Bella's vision flared red and before the dwarves could react, she had pulled two daggers out of the bun atop her head causing her long, golden locks to spill around her and create a curtain around her face. She kicked out the knees of the two men in front of her and pressed the daggers against their throats while the other two ran.

The dwarves stood by in shock as Bella snarled, "You think you can take advantage of me just because I am smaller than you? What's to stop me from carving out your eyes and feeding them to you before I slit your throats?"

"Now, now my deadly little nightshade, there's no need for so much violence. By the Gods, you are exactly like your mother, so eager to draw her sword. Put those away, go to your rooms, and I shall help settle your dwarrow companions." said Bella's aunt Mirabella.

"Of course Auntie" Bella tucked her daggers into her sleeves, bid the dwarves good night and quickly left the now nearly empty establishment.

"Now I'm assuming that because my niece is so heavily armed, she is accompanying you on some sort of trip?" she asked.

Once the dwarves nodded, she sighed. "My name is Mirabella, I am Bella's aunt. You may take whatever supplies you need and have your meals free of charge whilst you're here."

"But heed my warning," she glared at the dwarves around her, "if my niece returns injured or does not return at all, I will lead all the women in our family to tear apart your precious mountain stone by stone. She is the only child of my late sister and is so very precious to me, if she comes back anything less than happy I will not hesitate to carve open your chests and rip out your still beating hearts. Is that understood?"

At the dwarves terrified nods and promises of only good things to come, Mirabella smiled cheerily, said "Well then, I'll fetch you lot a large, hot meal and then show you to your rooms", and quickly walked away.

The dwarves looked at each with horrified expressions before Thorin said, "Hobbit women are fucking scary."

With silent promises to keep their burglar safe from all harm being made, the conversation was ended.

The next morning saw a company of thirteen dwarrow, one wizard, and one hobbit lass leaving the safety and comfort of The Prancing Pony Inn.

Bofur was the first to gather his courage to question Bella.

"Lass, when and why did you learn to fight like that?"

Bella sighed, "I had hoped you all would overlook that particular act of violence."

She shook her head. "I received some of my training from the Rangers of Bree just after I reached my majority. See by this time I was already travelling on my own and many Men seem to feel that, because I am a woman and obviously much smaller, they can take advantage of me. So whenever I was seen as an easy target I was more than capable of protecting myself. I am my mother's daughter after all, I shan't been seen as helpless or vulnerable if I can help it. Does that answer your question Master Bofur?"

"Yes it does, but just one more question."

"By all means, ask away."

"Are all hobbit women so scary?"

Bella blinked then threw her head back and laughed harder than she had in a very long time.


End file.
